Sometimes I Have To Say, “Really Self, You Amaze Even Me!”

Now before you say to yourself, “Self, you don’t have to sit here and read a whole post wherein Wicked brags about how amazing she thinks she may or may not be for the world.” Let me just clear something up; that is not what this post is about. No, I amaze myself with how Ri-fucking-diculous I can be at times. If Queen LaPalin hadn’t outlawed it, I might even say I am a retard (yes, I pronounced it the incorrect way, because my inner dialogue wants to be in Las Vegas with Mike Tyson’s tiger, being beaten up by a crazy Asian man jumping from the trunk of a stolen police car, I blame subWOW for that, while I try to find Dufmanno,aka Yoda, my lost friend, and the mother of the baby who was in my hotel room, also, Elly is missing a tooth and all of this started because we had to kidnap Lagunatic… At least we can set out our awesome Muppet decoys to avoid capture by the bad guys. We also have our super hero capes, which help us blend in with the locals, Elvis wore capes a lot, right?) OMJ, I forgot what my post was going to be about.

Oh, I remember, Pattypunker and I are going to release a rap song……no…no…that wasn’t it.

The “Who wears a bra in NashVegas?”story? I went to the local liquor store, to get a slushie. Yeah, that’s what she said. She being me, in this case. A slushie. Follow along, if you will, down the rabbit hole we go. The local liquor store has a slushie machine. Awesome, I know. 🙂 I wanted a slushie. Now, naturally, being a liquor store, there is something special about the slushies, you can buy the little airplane bottles of liquor to add to your slushie if you would like to do so. Why yes, yes I think I would like, thank you very much. Now these delicious slushies come in two flavors, margarita and something that isn’t margarita. I chose the margarita, in case you couldn’t have guessed. Then, with some assistance, I found some Hornitos airplane bottled goodness. Oh yeah (inner dialogue says this Ferris Bueller style, just to help you stay with me). Now, the other thing about small town liquor store, not only is it inhabited by tons o’ liquor and it’s employees. No, no, no. It comes with a cheering section. A group of guys, on this particular hot sunny day 8 to be precise, who avoid work and wives by chillin’ at the liquor store. Not the “wino chugging from a brown bag outside” types. These are the small town liquor store guys. Fully employed, some of them own their own businesses, some of them are ass chasing the girls who work at the liquor store. Others hang out because when girls like me come in to buy slushies, it is guaranteed entertainment.

On this particular day, I was wearing the Shutup and Dance t-shirt I earned by dancing on the bar at Coyote Ugly in Nashville earlier this year. One of the girls asks if you really have to dance on the bar to get one. I said that I really did, then joked that you also have to wear a skirt so all of the guys can get a good look. This led to one of the guys commenting on the fact that he thought you had to take off your bra. I stopped what I was doing and turned around to face him, “Who wears a bra when they go there?” They all laugh and he tells me his wife danced on the bar when she was there, AND she took her bra off. (shudder at this thought people, trust me, SHUDDER) One of the guys I went to high school with was in there, he suggested I demonstrate the proper form to use when bar dancing at Coyote Ugly. I suggested he look into a bra. (moobs are bad, just sayin) I did mention I got my Wicked back, right?

I just realized this wasn’t at all what this post was supposed to be about. It was going to be something terribly enlightened, or maybe it was going to be about this amazing transformation. Like, seriously, that is for a couple a people in particular, but OMJ how amazing is that? Obviously not in real time, but I still envy the precision. Or porn. Or shoe shopping. Or a combination of the three. Honestly, I am working on a new porn genre, that incorporates the three, at the urging of brilliant friends who feel porn should be more inclusive. Spot on ideas, these friends of mine have come up with so far!

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