Ever feel like you are on top of the fucking world? Oh yeah, all under control. Kids are doing exactly what you tell them. Significant other/spouse/gay best friend/cyber lover/imaginary pet is doing the dishes just like you asked. They were running a special on the chocolate vaginas you were ordering for your secret Hollywood crush. Your blog is getting bigtime traffic……well, okay, somebody new read it today. (yay!) The snow is melting. It really is the perfect day!
Then, someone rings the doorbell. You jump up from the sofa excitedly! On such a momentous day as this, it must be something fabulous. Did your new Jimmy Choos arrive early?
Oh, wouldn’t that just be perfect? A strip-a-gram from a friend for an early V Day gift? Not a bad little extra. You throw open the door.
What. The. Fuck.
Can I help you Mr. Officer? You are correct, I do not, in fact, have a license for that polar bear, but that is because that polar bear does not belong to me.
Yes, yes, this is my house. But I assure you, he/she is not my polar bear.
Is there something one of you needs to tell me and Officer Safe Neighborhood about the polar bear in the front yard? No? You’re sure? Very well, move along.
Where the fuck would a polar bear come from, I’m in KY for fuck’s sake.
Wish all these cops would stop staring at me, at least the chick walked away. Hmmm, I think the really cute one is staring at my tits. Yes, this is what it’s like inside my head, plotting and talking to myself about what other people are looking at and what they look like, welcome to the world according to me. Now, who in my ‘hood do I hate enough to blame this on?
Those fucking idiots in the clown house across the street. The mental image of the 400lb man in the towel comes painfully flashing through my still scarred mind. I quickly recover and paste a gentle smile on my face.
Actually, Officer Phenomenal Body, it is possible that the Pet Rescue Society, located in that cute little ramshackle hovel just over there could be the animals rightful home. Why, late last year they had a runaway manbeast. It was quite frightening. More so than this polar bear, if I do say so. *batting eyelashes now* (something about a man who knows how to handle a door ram)
Well, Miss Wicked, the animal is on your property, so if they don’t claim it, I will have to cuff you and take you into custody.
Cuff me, but you don’t even know me?
I’m really sorry but it seems it’s been in your yard most of the day. I don’t have much of a choice.
Uh, not to sound bitchy or anything, but look around, given your options, wouldn’t you hang out in my yard too? Just sayin.
Ahh, their laughing. That’s good. Right? I mean, I’ve never had hot agent types come after me before, but that has to be a good thing.
So, like, who comes and gets the ginormous polar bear out of my yard?
Animal control is already on the way, they were actually supposed to arrive on scene at the same time we did, but they got a little turned around.
Oh, used a GPS, huh? Those won’t actually get you here. *I wink to appear unconcerned*
Right, we caught onto that. A couple of us are going to keep an eye on the bear, 2 will go over and talk to the people from this “Pet Rescue” place and I am going to stay here, sorry, but I have to keep an eye on you.
Right, I am the dangerous type. Can you at least come inside so I don’t freeze to death?
Sure, I guess that will be alright.
He reached for his little earpiece and said he would be inside. I took a good look at him out of the glaring snow. My heavens, they really do train hard.
What the hell do you mean circus?? It’s a little bitty house?
He was yelling into, well, nothing, but I always did wonder what they were yelling into when g-men and the like were using those little earpiece things.
Suddenly there was gunfire. He threw me to the floor and told me to stay down.
Where are they?
Safest place for them, crawl to the stairs and go to them, I will come to get you when it’s safe.
I felt his hand, it stayed firmly pressed on me until my leg had gone from his reach, I made it to the basement door and down the steps to my kids where I reassured them. The gunfire rang out for hours. Okay, like 2 minutes, but fuck, it’s guns, ya’ll, that shit is stressful.
After a little more time had passed with the kids begging me not to go, I made my way to the top of the stairs, this is my house and I wasn’t going to wait to be rescued. Fuck that. I opened the door and ran right into Officer Hot Body.
I said I would come get you.
Guess I have good timing.
Maybe I should cuff you just for not listening.
Maybe you should at least wait until your co-workers leave and I find a sitter for that kind of activity.
I grinned a Wicked grin.
Okay, so, clearly, there was no polar bear in my yard today. The clown house, while aptly named the clown house, isn’t really a circus, well, it’s a fucking circus, but not THE circus, just A circus. Sometimes I just write silly little stories with no point or purpose other than to amuse myself. Then, I delete them. I ate two brownies tonight. It’s a sugar buzz. Sorry. More chocolate and sugar than I have had in several months. Blame it on the Topomax!!
See you tomorrow!