Remember That One Time…….

I hate it when I run into people I haven’t seen in a long time, can barely remember, and they begin a conversation with the phrase, “Remember that one time when we….” Here’s the thing, I probably do not remember. I tend to stay in touch with the people I remember. I am not one of those fair weather friend types. I don’t disconnect, then go on and on about all of the great times we had when I see you during the holidays. If I haven’t spoken to you in 9 years, it is most likely because I do not like you or I have NO Fucking Clue who you are.

The other problem is, I really have no time to pretend I care or have any interest in “reconnecting.” Really??!!! I want to reconnect with my electric blanket! It’s fucking cold everywhere right now, people! Let me out of this damn store so I can go do something more interesting than listen to you drone on about the 47 kids you had after you moved to Utah and became a sister wife. I give a flip all about it! Your temple garments can get in a twist if they must, I’m sure one of the other sisters will help you straighten them before your turn at the big guy.

Oh, and the guys. Thanks Santa, for bringing back into town a sleigh full of mother fucking guys I slept with when I was too drunk to think, “Hey, you’re a bad idea” (that line is for Toast, if he’s reading this) and just stop myself! It’s truly a fucking treat walking through the local grocery store to grab some milk and cereal only to find every aisle full of former one night stands.

Yeah, unfortunately, I do remember THAT one time………

So then, once I get home and take a shower, scrubbing my skin off like I was just…….touched…….I try really hard to stop the random flashbacks of nights gone awry.(okay, I exaggerate, most of them were not bad at all, but I do question the sheer volume)

Christmas time in the town I grew up is full of the awesome. It makes me question my promiscuity, which is bullshit, because my promiscuity is one of the things that I love most about myself. I mean, how else would I have developed some of the special skills and talents I have now?

Baking. I am totally talking about baking. And rolling bourbon balls

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